We all have our own ways of figuring everything out, be it how we would live if we had made different choices or where we think we would be had we made a left turn instead of a right. Yesterday I had an epiphany, a breathrough of sorts. I have been pondering for some while, where would I be if I hadn’t had my daughter’s? I’ve been curious as to whether I would be happy with the relationship just being my husband and I.
This breakthrough started with the changes that we saw in one another in the early stages of our relationship. We had a rocky start and a few rough patches starting out, but as with all couples there was that defining moment when we both realized how much the other meant to us and how dearly in our hearts we didn’t want to hurt the other. My husband and I talked about it for a good while, both discussing where we thought we would be if we hadn’t had our girls.
Prior to having children my husband used to have parties and drink alcohol often, where as I was often reluctant to join in the fun. I had my own ideas of what I wanted from life, and spending my weekends in a drunken stupor was not an idea I was terribly fond of. We had practically no responsibilities and lived in a simple one bedroom studio apartment. We had little to no bills to worry about and food only cost us at best $100 every two weeks. Our cost of living was easily covered and bills was a thing that never had to really be worried about. It wasn’t as if there was anyone depending on us, life was simple and less stressful. There were no restrictions and we were free to go on dates and do incredibly stupid things, all without fear or worry of who we would leave behind.
With this freedom though came a dense of complacency, which I hadn’t realized until my husband and I had our little chat. Sure our lives were happy, yes we had more time for eachother, but our girls enriched our lives in ways neither of us had thought possible. This breakthrough lead me to understand that we had no direction or vision for our future outside the present moment. Yes we had freedom to do as we so pleased, but we weren’t really doing anything with that freedom!
Having our girls, we both realized and changed in our own ways. I went from wanting a full time job and endless adventure to being a supreme clean freak whose OCD tendencies won’t even allow me to make breakfast or a pot of coffee until floors are swept and dishes are cleaned. I’ve become obsessive over ensuring bills are paid, plenty of food is in the fridge, freezer, and pantries to last. I have spent countless hundreds of dollars on stuff for my girls and found much more enjoyment in it than spending it on frivolous trivial things.
I’ve realized during my husband and I’s conversation, sure I may have been happy in a sense. I loved my husband and that was good enough for me, but I don’t think I could go back in time and be as happy as I am now, knowing just how happy life has become since I had my girls. Despite the hardships we may face and putting aside the stress they can cause from being too young to understand the importance of listening when told no, my girls have become a vital part of my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.