River Of Tears

I’ve mentioned a time or two about my son here and there, but what I have not divulged until now is that he is being used as bait to crush my heart and soul. The past few days I have been suffering from sad eating due to my son’s horrific father, to which I didn’t even notice until last night, shortly after he had yet again called me and I resumed my junk food binge eating. Now my version of junk food binge eating is different than what most would suspect. My version is making sandwiches out of a giant pan of meatloaf. With extra cheese and mayonnaise.

 

Since his first time calling to today, I have gained approximately 10lbs in the weirdest place. Right below my bust. I have never once seen or heard of anyone gaining weight there. Maybe in the stomach, lovehandles, butt or legs but … Right below the bust? Even as I write this my hands tremble. The worst part being that when he called me yesterday, he made the same offhanded remark he has been making for the past few years that has done nothing more than crush my spirit and my heart. He told me that once again he was getting a car and wanted to know if I wanted to arrange a time to meet up so I could see my son.

 

This man has done this to me so many times I have literally lost count. I think the reason it is affecting me so badly is because after so many promises, compromises, and arrangements, I still have not gotten to see my son even once in the 4 going on 5 years we have been separated. I have become cold hearted and self assured in the fact that I will not have the relationship with my son that I so direly wish for, as he has made blatantly clear he will not go through with any arrangements we make. 

 

My husband and I have come to the conclusion that my ex simply wants to create a rift between my husband and I. We both assume that the reason for this disruption is to hopefully cause my husband and I to separate because he wants me back. He had tried similarly during the beginning stages of my husband and I’s relationship, so I wouldn’t put it past him. It is specifically for that fact that I have come to a conclusion regarding answering his calls… I have been left no choice but to avoid and or ignore his calls. I cannot sacrifice the life I have built or my lovingly fantastic relationship with my husband for someone who can’t even keep their word once about things of great importance. What else is there to do than wait idly by for my son to seek me out on his own when he is old enough to do so?