A Life Long War

Today I’ve come to a crossroad in my thinking. For those who have read my blogs so far, you may have come to observe that my posts are less and less frequent. Well, there’s a reason for this. Life basically decided to poo all over the people I care about. I won’t go too far into details mainly because I’m not sure some of them want me sharing all their dirty laundry. At least, about what’s going on right now. Being what it is though, the stress has crippled my brain to the point I’ve found little to write of, or I’ve become too angry over a topic to write about it.

 

Today I was shown that perhaps my thinking on a certain topic may be wrong. As we all know, the hot weather is fast approaching, the swimming pools will open soon and beaches across America will be crowded beyond belief. Normally, I don’t care about theses things. What makes today different? I was offered to have a family cookout/grill and hang around the swimming pool. The very idea fills me with dread. It makes my heart drop into the bottom of my stomach and leaves an unsettling feeling. Why? Simply put, I hate swimsuits. 

 

I had the nerve to try googling “Modest Swimsuit” and my eyes were met with a throng of two-piece barely covers the privates “bikini” swimsuits. This is nowhere near my speed. My husband however loves them and says I would look gorgeous in them. I found an image of an obese woman wearing a one-piece with frill, fat-overlap, and showed it to him and told him, “Dear, this is how I feel in a bikini. I feel nasty.” Modesty is a personal preference for me. I feel better in pants, t-shirts, or even long sleeve shirts. It’s why I don’t like going to swimming pools, be they public or private. My options are a burka-swimsuit which would kill me from heat and probably drown me or a barely there clings to every crevice of your body elastic spandex “Please Kill Me Now” swimsuit. 

 

Now that isn’t to say that I hold issue with others who wear them, it’s the other part of why I don’t partake in most common summer activities. I don’t want you to see me, I don’t want to see you. Men and women alike have the most dreadful of swimwear. Some men actually wear proper swim trunks and tops, but it’s rare. If anything, I much rather wear the husbands swim trunks and a t-shirt but I don’t think that would go over too well! Especially not in a world where modest women’s swimwear is basically covering your vagina and breasts.

 

It makes me wonder where all the almost cute modest mid-thigh swim skirts and seemingly spaghetti-strapped swim-tops went. I had something akin to that a couple years back, but even it made me uncomfortable. Not so uncomfortable that I wouldn’t play with my kids in the water, but still uncomfortable. It was at least a step in the right direction for people who prefer some modesty over barely-there crevice floss. I get that my fashion sense isn’t for everyone, I get it. That also counts for everyone elses fashion sense not being for all others in the world too though. In a world where we are being told to be accepting of everyone for everything, one would think there might be even a small market for markedly conservative non-religious folk who just want to go play in a pool with their kids while not feeling like a land-whale or a stick-figure.

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Things We Put Up With

Having been part of a bigger family than I am used to for the past several years, I’ve come to realize another reason why I despise people. The problem being that they don’t even realize that they are doing more damage than they are good. People seem to be under the impression just because you became family through marriage, you’re obligated to do things for others until you die. This is a wrong assumption. If you give and give until it destroys you, your children will learn to be doormats too. My children will not watch their mother wither and die due to the incompetence of others.

 

I have been told that my children require interaction with other children, but if that interaction results in them being rude, vulgar, or ill tempered, is it truly in the best interest of the child? If this interaction results in them doing things they know they shouldn’t, isn’t it doing more damage than it is good? I see no reason to tolerate the ill behaved children of my neighborhood just for my girls to pick up their bad manners. Why do people even think they have a right to tell me what is best for mine anyhow? Are they my childrens’ parents? Obviously not, if they’re my children.

 

As a mother, as a wife, as a daughter and daughter-in-law, I refuse to be pushed around by those around me into thinking that any one person has the right way to raise my children. There is no handbook for a reason, all children are different and have different needs in order to grow up into respectable human beings. Unlike most, my children will not grow up with technology in their hands. They will have books, pencils, colored pencils, crayons, and the likes. They will not grow up thinking their parents don’t love them or believing television is the answer to every tantrum, we will have time out, swattings, and lectures. They are my children, and I will parent them as I so see fit. 

 

I have cut people from my life for being toxic to me, be they friend or family. No one is immune to being pruned from my world. This might come off as frigid, but I will always work in the best interest of my children, even if that means stripping them of their toxic family members. One cannot expect of my family what they are unwilling to do themselves. A line of friendship goes both ways, be it friends in our area, friends in our family, or friends we meet at parks. Make an effort so there is effort to be returned.

Spectacularly Amazing

It is only befitting that today’s prompt be “Captivating“, what with today being the 6th year anniversary of the day my husband and I first kissed and officially started dating. If it weren’t for that kiss, who knows where I may of ended up? Of course, I was too dreadfully shy so my husband was the one who initiated. A year after that though, he popped the question. It was unromantic, we had had a terrible day, we had gone to try doing something nice for our first year anniversary to find our bank account was in Non-Sufficient Funds territory. So off we went to the bank to find out, on our first year anniversary, what in the world went wrong. It turns out this was the culprit.

 

 

You see, my husband had gotten an engagement ring for me, well in advance, but they didn’t charge until well after he paid for it. Who knew they could charge you late? While we were sitting in the car, waiting to go in to find out what went wrong, he turned to me and said he wanted the day to have at least one shining moment. Right there, in the parking lot, in a dingy car, he proposed to me, full well knowing he was proposing to a crazy lady.

 

Not long after, we found out the most astounding news. We were pregnant! In order for the baby and I to receive care, we had to push forward the date of the wedding but we didn’t mind at all. We had already made up our minds, we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

Our love kept us captivated with eachother and still to this day I cannot think of a person more captivating than my husband. Thanks to our love, we have had the joy of two beautiful children brought into our lives.

To keep things happy and healthy, not only is this our 6th year anniversary together as a whole but this is the first year anniversary of having quit smoking! I found the snippet I wrote from last year and I can’t be more proud of us as a couple and a family.

 

As an added bonus in trying to be healthy and extending our longevity, after finding out I was overweight this past Christmas, I began tracking my weight and progress. So far, I’ve lost 17 lbs since Dec 19th! I added my weight loss tracker to the website for those interested in following along. I am trying to be more active within my blog, with the kids being homeschooled for the time being though and everyone getting sick and such, it’s been hard. I hope this post makes up for some of it though! Hope everyone has a happy Monday!

Baking Bonanza

So, I’ve come to terms with the fact that when I get super stressed out, I tend to turn to baking to quell my stress and mental agony. I’ve honestly been working on this post since last Thursday, when the baking bonanza truly peaked. 

 

A little reason as to why the baking bonanza was even necessary first, before I begin showing off my goodies that I baked with my heart and soul. My husband had to have a biopsy on a tumor that’d been found growing in his jaw. Now me being terrified of driving, as well as having kids, I couldn’t very well go with him. This only added to my stress and emotional frustrations. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that not only is he having cancer related stuff happening but his mom recently had a double mastectomy and the kids haven’t been able to see her in a while, which has resulted in them being doubly bad because they are protesting the lack of grandma and papaw time.

FreshDevilsFoodChocolateChipCupcakes

So all this stress, I’m sure your imagination can work out just how close I was to losing what was left of the tiny pinch of sanity I have. So here I am, losing my mind, my husband asks me if there is anything I need on his way home from work Wednesday night. My response was something akin to “Butter, chocolate chips, eggs, peanut butter, raisins, milk, and all purpose flour.” When I awoke the next morning, the bake-a-thon was on. It was the third baking bonanza since Thanksgiving, and I was in desperate need of it.

 

I managed to make a total of 63 Chocolate Chip cookies, 51 Peanut Butter cookies, and 38 Oatmeal Raisin cookies in my baking bash. My poor kitchen suffered for my baking tantrum. 

Mid-BakingBonanza

Mid Baking Bonanza

My normally nice and tidy kitchen was a wreck. You can see my over-sized cup of coffee fueling my every move, as well as my assortment of baking ingredients and implements. Though I didn’t stop at just baking, I also made the husband a special lunch since it would be the last thing he ate before his operation.

LemonPepperSalmonPatties

Lemon Pepper Salmon Patties!

He loves himself some salmon patties, so I decided to make it super special. Low and behold, I also forgot that he wouldn’t be coming home and eating dinner, so I also made pork chops for dinner that he would never end up getting the pleasure of eating.

PorkChopDinner

Pork Chops For Dinner!

It didn’t take long for my kitchen to go from complete chaos to my standard of usability though. Strangely, since I’ve become an adult, I’ve become increasingly psychotic about how my kitchen is kept.

AfterAllCookingIsDone

All Done Baking And Cooking!

But whatever happened to all the cookies? Since I was nearly baking till I dropped, I certainly wasn’t going to feed them to the kids and make them more chaotic than they normally are! So instead, I packed them up and sent them with the husband to work for his coworkers.

MyCookies

This One Stayed Home With Me!

It has been now 3 days since the operation and he still isn’t feeling that great, thankfully the doctor gave him Friday and Monday off from work. Here is to hoping tomorrow he feels able to go back to work. Hope you enjoyed looking at the fruits of my Baking Bonanza labors and sorry for the lack of content lately. I hope you understand.

Awareness And Awakening

MentalIllness

 

Thanks to my dearest friend, Suze of Suziland, I was given a lightbulb tonight. You see, of late, I’ve been having difficulty getting my creative juices going in terms of writing blog posts due to extenuating circumstances. Those circumstances having something to do with tonight’s topic, actually.

 

As we often see on television, in movies, and when we talk to people online, there are many mental illnesses. Now, for those who don’t suffer from or aren’t closely affected by those who are afflicted by mental illness, it isn’t easy for them to sympathize with those who are affected. There are those who might have mental illness but aren’t able to empathize with those who have different types, which often leads to those around them dealing with other problems feeling as though they don’t care.

 

This isn’t the case. A person with PTSD might not understand or be able to empathize with someone who has depression or is bipolar, same as a person with ADD/ADHD might not be capable of sympathizing with someone anxiety. These are all different forms of mental illnesses, some which clash with eachother and others not so much. The problem is often that these people feel alone so they keep their thoughts, mainly the bad ones, to themselves. 

 

We should encourage those who suffer to speak with someone, either a close friend or family member or a professional if no one is willing to take the time to talk. Work on building an inner circle of those you can depend on, even when things aren’t bad. If you are with someone who don’t understand and doesn’t try to work with you or be there for you during your rough times but only wants to be there for the good, perhaps it’s time you start putting your needs first. Happiness is a two way street, if they aren’t willing to put the time and effort into you, then you aren’t obligated to put the time and effort into them.

 

Mental illness is a very serious topic. I suffer from multiple mental illnesses of which I wont waste your time listing, but I can tell you how I cope, how I manage and still do my best to keep striving to be the best person, wife, mother, and daughter that I can be. Remember, no one is perfect. We can only do our very best to be the best version of ourselves as is humanly possible.

 

Every morning when I wake up, I count all the things I am thankful for as I brush my teeth and go about my daily routine. Even the little things matter, like having fresh clean water to drink, having a bed to have woken up in, even the act of having woken up today is a blessing. I promise, if you look at everything that is around you, you’ll find many things to be thankful for.

 

I try to be mindful of the problems I have, while working on finding ways to correct these problems so that I can be a better person. Things such as yelling when the kids are screaming and carrying on instead of calming myself before trying to get them to settle down. Sure the yelling might get their attention, but it makes one come off as though I’m angry when really all it is is that they need to settle down and stop being so loud that even the neighbors outside can hear.

 

When the stress or frustration gets to be too much, call a friend or family member. I do this a lot when I get overly frustrated when the kids won’t listen. My go to person to call is my mom. She’s helped calm me down from a boil more times than I care to count, but I’m glad she is willing to be there and help talk me down. We all have times when our mental illnesses might cause our mood to either spike or nose dive, it is during those times that we need human interaction the most. Finding a trusted friend to confide in is important, even if it’s only one or two people.

 

Finally, something that anyone with a sensation of worthlessness should do. Contact a professional. Not for my sake, not just for your own sake, but for the sake of those who care about you. Even if you don’t think anyone cares, I promise you, there are people who care. It just might not seem like it at that point because your mind is allowing you to wallow in your feelings of worthlessness. In all actuality though, there are people who do care about you.

Indomitable

The Content Of This Post May Result
In The Triggering Of Others
We Are Allowed Our Own Opinions
Respect Ours And We Will Respect Yours

 

Of late, I’ve been asked many times my stance on certain things thanks to the political shitstorm America is in right now. Between women’s rights, the policy makers, and the POTUS, we’ve had a lot on our plate. Not to mention the bills being passed of late which have been stirring up a bunch of controversy. I talked it over with my dear friend Suze and we’ve come to the conclusion that I might as well write a blog about it. So here goes nothing.

 

To start with, I want to warn you, I am an atheist libertarian who happens to also be a married straight white female in a monogamous relationship who is of no discernable talents other than being a great homemaker, wife, and mother. Horrible, isn’t it? I confess, I enjoy it though. Take a deep breath, sweet triggered people, I promise, it gets better. I take care of my home finances, balance my budget, and for the most part try not to end up arguing with people who have less than two brain cells. It’s about as fair as a fight with an unarmed person, but I am all about attempting fairness. Now that you have a little background about me, on to the topic that has been pushed in my face more times than I can count.

 

I’ve been asked, “How can you, as a libertarian female, not be pro life?!” Well, problem with this question is that I am pro-life. I just also understand there are certain aspects of people’s lives that cannot be accounted for and should not penalize the individuals for these situations. For instance an individual with a mental handicap caused by the situation should not be forced to carry a child which caused them a traumatic incident. Be it rape or incest, both can be equally traumatic yet are not considered by most to be a viable reason to have early pregnancy termination. So I ask the question that I find most pertinent, “If you were abused, violently, then forced into a sexual situation, would you want to carry that permanent reminder of what happened with you at all times?” It’s actually been discussed in many circles that women of traumatic pregnancies tend to resent the child and thus treat the child poorly. Is that really what you want? Aren’t the children supposed to be our main concern? 

 

Then there are the few, the rare, the downtrodden who cannot physically carry due to blood disorder, body shape/size, or a long medical history of miscarriages with internal bleeding as a result. Are these people to be penalized for the abuse of a doctors care by those who can’t use regular contraceptive? Is there life no more precious to you than a grain of sand? The claim that life begins at conception makes me so angry because what of the to-be mothers who will die in childbirth? The women who are forced to carry a baby but don’t have the hips or weight to carry a child to term? Do you have any idea the trauma that will be put upon them or the child when they die as does their child? Then there is the people that say single-parent households lead to gangbanger kids. So you want the mother to give birth just so she can die and leave the man with a child that he doesn’t know what to do with? Most parenting classes are for women because women are the natural caregivers. You just signed that woman’s death certificate. Good on you and your principles though because now there’s a widowed man with a baby to take care of and he has to work two jobs just to cover child care and live below the cozy standard of living. You wonder why I don’t like you.

 

Part of what bothers me though is that thanks to these laws that are being made in regards to abortions and other female health care is that the law has no place in the dealings of my vagina! While I am against and find abortion abhorrent, I understand the practicality and necessity of it. Should the government cover it? No, but medical coverage that you pay for should cover a portion of the costs. These laws make it so medical professionals cannot do what is in the best interest of their patient without potential loss of their medical license. Why should the doctor fear for their profession when they’re just doing what is in the best interest of the patient? Thank you, law man, you just executed untold numbers of women with medical problems who can’t carry to term. So much for the value of life.

 

As for the most problematic part of this entire discussion? It would be the fact that apparently I’m not entitled to have my own educated opinion about abortion because I’m a white, straight, atheist, libertarian, married female. That’s a heck of a mouth full, right? I’ve seen people get shouted down for trying to debate this subject with facts and logic to the point they simply concede the point and give up. It upsets me to no end that people cannot have stimulating educational conversations without screaming like a wild rabid animal. One’s opinion should not be treated as any less important than others just because they differ. Instead, open a line of dialog and try to see if their reasoning is sound and make sense. Or you could… I don’t know… Just fuck off? That works too.

Don’t Even Ask

Over the past few days I’ve gotten the same question phrased in different ways, which is really starting to get on my last nerve. Anyone who knows me knows I hate repeating myself, more to the point though, I hate when people passive-aggressively play putt-putt with what they truly mean. Mincing words with me is never wise. The question, which I’ve concluded to basically be an attempt at sincere concern, has instead caused me a migraine on top of the already migraine inducing situation I’m currently dealing with. What is the question? Well here it is.

Do you love your son more than your daughters?

Now, thanks to recent events, which are partly why I’ve in essence stopped updating here because I felt it was too sensitive to blog about because it’s left me feeling wounded and in tears for weeks, this question keeps popping up in different various forms. To which end I’ve replied with a flat “No.” but this doesn’t seem to dissuade others from asking again and again anyhow. Those who know me know I started this blog for the intent that my son might know I never stopped thinking of him, no one questioned why though. What reason do I have to start a blog so that he might know I never stopped thinking of him? The answer is clear. I have my two daughters I take care of and am in the process of homeschooling. I’ve attached our completed Week 1 of the 5 Week Homeschooling Project I started, which will be concluded at the end of this week.

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Does that mean I don’t love my son since I do my best to push the idea from my mind? No. I love my son, always have and always will. His birthday came and went, and my heart broke once more. I did my best to keep my composure, until I received a frantic call from my sons father. He claimed someone was trying to take my son, to which end I feigned interest because of all the other times he had tried to create drama in my life and ruin my holidays. Only difference this time? It turned out to be genuine. Now, as I write this, some other woman has my child. A woman who apparently barely knows my ex and knows nothing of the pain and suffering he inflicted on me. She married him and with having done so, she took off with my son to another state. 

 

My heart has been shattered upon finding all this out, but a glimmer of hope had appeared just as quickly as it caused my eyes to fill with tears. For the first time in 5 years, I knew where my son was. Seeing my son was completely dependant on him being “able” to meet up with me at a designated time at a specific location decided on by both parties. Yup, that’s what our agreement says. Up until now, I couldn’t do anything about it because I didn’t know where he was, and I had no evidence to prove that he couldn’t make it to the meetings we would set up only for him to cancel at the last minute.

 

After much deliberation though, much crying and sleepless nights wondering if my son was even okay, I requested a well child check to ensure he was physically unharmed. Considering I don’t know the woman nor she know me, I felt it was only appropriate I request such a thing. To the best of my knowledge, this woman doesn’t even know that I’ve been trying for years to see my son, only to be back-handed metaphorically again and again at every turn. Even as I am writing this, in the beginning scope of the morning before my daughters wake up, thinking on this brings me to tears. I found out not only does this woman not know me, but my own son has had it impressed to him that I don’t wish to see him. 

 

I have done all that I can within my power, as to the best of my knowledge as which been afforded to me by my state law department when I was calling around to find out what I could do, if anything. After so many years of being told, “Don’t worry, he will seek you out.” I think the time of waiting has come to pass. Now? Now is a time for action, before he is lost to me indefinitely, because if I don’t act, it will only prove what they keep telling him and I refuse to let it be said that I didn’t try when the opportunity presented itself.