Over the past few days I’ve gotten the same question phrased in different ways, which is really starting to get on my last nerve. Anyone who knows me knows I hate repeating myself, more to the point though, I hate when people passive-aggressively play putt-putt with what they truly mean. Mincing words with me is never wise. The question, which I’ve concluded to basically be an attempt at sincere concern, has instead caused me a migraine on top of the already migraine inducing situation I’m currently dealing with. What is the question? Well here it is.
Do you love your son more than your daughters?
Now, thanks to recent events, which are partly why I’ve in essence stopped updating here because I felt it was too sensitive to blog about because it’s left me feeling wounded and in tears for weeks, this question keeps popping up in different various forms. To which end I’ve replied with a flat “No.” but this doesn’t seem to dissuade others from asking again and again anyhow. Those who know me know I started this blog for the intent that my son might know I never stopped thinking of him, no one questioned why though. What reason do I have to start a blog so that he might know I never stopped thinking of him? The answer is clear. I have my two daughters I take care of and am in the process of homeschooling. I’ve attached our completed Week 1 of the 5 Week Homeschooling Project I started, which will be concluded at the end of this week.
Does that mean I don’t love my son since I do my best to push the idea from my mind? No. I love my son, always have and always will. His birthday came and went, and my heart broke once more. I did my best to keep my composure, until I received a frantic call from my sons father. He claimed someone was trying to take my son, to which end I feigned interest because of all the other times he had tried to create drama in my life and ruin my holidays. Only difference this time? It turned out to be genuine. Now, as I write this, some other woman has my child. A woman who apparently barely knows my ex and knows nothing of the pain and suffering he inflicted on me. She married him and with having done so, she took off with my son to another state.
My heart has been shattered upon finding all this out, but a glimmer of hope had appeared just as quickly as it caused my eyes to fill with tears. For the first time in 5 years, I knew where my son was. Seeing my son was completely dependant on him being “able” to meet up with me at a designated time at a specific location decided on by both parties. Yup, that’s what our agreement says. Up until now, I couldn’t do anything about it because I didn’t know where he was, and I had no evidence to prove that he couldn’t make it to the meetings we would set up only for him to cancel at the last minute.
After much deliberation though, much crying and sleepless nights wondering if my son was even okay, I requested a well child check to ensure he was physically unharmed. Considering I don’t know the woman nor she know me, I felt it was only appropriate I request such a thing. To the best of my knowledge, this woman doesn’t even know that I’ve been trying for years to see my son, only to be back-handed metaphorically again and again at every turn. Even as I am writing this, in the beginning scope of the morning before my daughters wake up, thinking on this brings me to tears. I found out not only does this woman not know me, but my own son has had it impressed to him that I don’t wish to see him.
I have done all that I can within my power, as to the best of my knowledge as which been afforded to me by my state law department when I was calling around to find out what I could do, if anything. After so many years of being told, “Don’t worry, he will seek you out.” I think the time of waiting has come to pass. Now? Now is a time for action, before he is lost to me indefinitely, because if I don’t act, it will only prove what they keep telling him and I refuse to let it be said that I didn’t try when the opportunity presented itself.
Sunken Thought 